Gerald and I got stuck driving behind a station wagon on our way to work today. There were kids in the back seat and the woman was driving real slow.

It had been awhile since I had driven behind a station wagon, and I forgot how awkward it was to drive with people looking back at you. It's like going to a restaurant and being sat at a table with complete strangers.

Gerald got sick of driving behind her and started flashing his hi-beams so she'd let him pass. She started veering back and forth on the road as if she was taunting us. The kids started rocking from side to side in the back. One of them gave us the finger.

At one point, she slammed on the brakes and Gerald sped up and drove around. I saw the woman throw a Snapple bottle at us as we drove off.

When we got to the cemetary to park, I saw the station wagon pull in not too long after us. It came to a stop about 10 feet from us as we were about to hop the fence.

The woman driving had three kids in the back seat in addition to the two in the way back. The space that wasn't taken up by kids was filled with garbage.

She said, "What the fuck are you doing driving like that?" Gerald told her that wasn't any way to speak in front of her kids. She swore some more.

We hopped the fence and started walking to work. I looked up and saw Sue looking down at us.

I didn't read anything in the employee handbook about not making arrangements to park closer to the office, but I have to imagine they'd rather not have said arrangements involve a cemetary.

Sue walked by us as we walked in and didn't say anything. Either she doesn't care where we park or she's getting ready to fire us.

When Gerald and I got home, Matt was sitting in the living room with the crate on the floor in front of him. He said Mitch, the guy who took the slushy machine, had brought it back.

Mitch said he couldn't find anyone interested in a crate of fragile steak knives. I could see the crate had been pried open.

Matt said he decided to open up the crate when it came back, and said we should have a look at what's inside. He lifted off the top to reveal what looked like at first like a bunch of sliced up sheets and some large pieces of beef jerky poking out of it.

Beef jerky shaped like two hands. Beef jerky shaped like two feet. Beef jerky shaped like a head with a face.

It was a whole body of beef jerky. It was a whole body.

"That's a body," I said.

We all paused a moment. Gerald said, "That's a fucking mummy, dude!"

We all sat and stared some more. It sure looked like a mummy.

Gerald wanted to get rid of it. He said his cousin lived next to a cranberry bog, and we could dump the thing in there.

Matt said we weren't going to dump it. He knew someone who 'traded in antiquities' who'd be able to come by and have a look at it in a few days.

I wondered if this was the same person who traded in groundhog hats and slushy machines.

I told Matt I liked the cranberry bog idea better, as there was a lot less potential for getting strangled in our sleep by the undead. Matt said there was no way we could get rid of it tonight, as none of us have a car that could fit the box and we didn't have a bag we could load the mummy into.

So, the plan is to barricade ourselves overnight in my room and use tonight's success at not getting killed to forecast how the rest of the week will go.